I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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