he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
