Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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