So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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