I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
