Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
