I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
