I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
