FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
