having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just forgot I was standing up.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
