Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
