Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wish I only lived at night.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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