we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
