how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize