If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
