In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
