mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Sext me about skeletons
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
