My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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