i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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