Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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