my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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