there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
