Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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