I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
