I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
