he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
