Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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