Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
