And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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