Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
