Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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