omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
