The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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