at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
