you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
