I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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