I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
