Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
