a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
