and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
