wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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