I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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