martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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