As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
