If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
