Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
