he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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