If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
