look no pants
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
