I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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