I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
