I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
