Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
