all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
