I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
